So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
