Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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