so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
