Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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