He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
