I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
