You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
