Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
