we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
