will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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