I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
