The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
