My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
