Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
