and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
