New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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