so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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