So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
