So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The Olympian is in my bed
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
