My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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