Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
