My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
