so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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