I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
