Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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