Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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