Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
