At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
