I hope mine doesn't look like that
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
