i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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