he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
