Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
