I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My ass is underappreciated
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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