Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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