i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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