I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
