I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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