I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
