The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
