he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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