Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
