The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
