Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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