yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
