u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
