so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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