My first STD was from a foam party
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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