My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
