How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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