The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
