I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
