how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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